Here I am.

hello there.

it's me.

i'm party planning and really liking it. i'm getting excited about it, perhaps 'cause it much resembles lesson-planning.

i see myself as the teacher for this event, with students eagerly anticipating the things i have to say to them, the things they'll get to do, the things they'll get to learn.

i see my potential, and it makes me nervous. i'm afraid things won't work out the way i'd like them to. it is my dream to manage a classroom, make friends with children and keep those relationships, to watch them learn, and ultimately watch them grow.

as i get excited with the thoughts of opening doors, possibilities of a dream come true, i am consumed with the fear of rejection. failure.

eddie vedder's "guaranteed" is playing overhead now - the guitar picking is inspiring, his voice is soothing, and the words are calling out to me like a personal prayer of my own.

it sums up the judgment or speculation that i have been feeling for years as i did not follow through with school as society sees it fit, normal. it's the nerves i feel, still, in applying to the university. that if only everyone knew me, i would be okay with who i am and how i've gotten to this point in my life.

the song is a collection of my thoughts past. many a time i wanted to be left alone, to figure myself out, find the some things that would help me feel free. and by free i mean without the eyes of others whom i felt, in hindsight, kept me bound to my insecurities.

i know now that i've got something special. can i say that? i want to believe i do, just like i believe everyone does.

i feel most free when i'm with children, and my dream is with them.

so, if i can't give the love i have for them and share this special thing i think i have, i fear i might forever feel trapped within walls.

i'm scared.


- A