Good morning to you (or afternoon, or evening),
It isn't often that I find you completely relaxed, but it seems like in recent times you have been even more full of stresses than ever. It is certainly quite understandable, given all that we are tackling at this moment, but I still want you to find all the positive and wonderful excitement that comes with the possibility everything in front of us presents, and not the worry of what might come with those things. I can't imagine taking all these things on while battling sickness for so long also, so I understand that it is no easy task.
Fortunately there is an answer... You are not alone! Sure, you already know this, but sometimes it needs reinforced. When you worry about the wedding, or worry about the party, or school, or whatever it might be, I encourage you to come to me. You don't even have to talk if you don't want to. I promise I can help more than anything you can find on the internet. If there is a place on the internet that listens, I surely haven't found it. And I can't imagine its all too fun to snuggle up and hug that laptop of yours.
Since you have been playing the reminiscing game recently, let us not forget how far we have come in a year. Last February, I was battling stomach ulcers, you were toiling away in French and Bio, and we both had to stay up past midnight just to get some snuggle time on one of our parent's couches. Since then, we have gotten engaged, gotten married (just once so far), I have found a new job, you have completed your associate's degree, we both got raises, we have our own place that not only allows us lots of together time, but is a wonderful home. So needless to say, I'm not too worried about making another wedding happen, finding the right school for you, continuing to do well at our current jobs, and finding a new home when the time comes. I'm glad that we have all these exciting adventures in front of us, and I'm sure you are as well.
Chiming in on what you have already hinted at, what makes it all so exciting for me and not overwhelming, is that we do get to tackle all of these things together. When we visited Charlottesville, it was us together, and very much on the same page. When I'm doing things like coaching, I am at my best with you there. There is no doubt in my mind that we bring out the best in each other.
So, as you plan your party, keep in mind that you have help. Lots of it. Not just an extra set of hands, but your support in every way. If everything goes catastrophically wrong, isn't it nice to know you have arms to run into and hold you? Not that that will happen of course. The truth of the matter is, that wherever we go together (literally or figuratively) the comfort that you feel beneath the shady tree is always there. Just as the shade blocks us from the sun, when we have each other, we have a comfortable and safe setting.
Keep the thoughts coming, I love getting a peak into your head. In the meantime, mine isn't too full these days, but there is one thing running through it. I want to do more to help others. The more I think back upon the last year, and all that we have that we didn't have before, I realize how many people there are out there who are missing all these things that we are so fortunate to have, a home, food, someone to love, etc. I think if we push each other then we can really make a difference. One random act of kindness at a time right?
26 February 2008
(sigh)
i cannot sleep.
i'm out on the couch wondering if you on the other hand have found yourself in dreams whilst lying on our bed.
i have no emotions keeping me from falling sound asleep; not anger nor frustrations, no sadness, no fears, no joys. i'm a bit withdrawn i'd say, with incomplete thoughts to back it up.
i thought it might help if i dabbled with words, sort of like counting sheep - it was just a thought. i thought that if i dabbled with words, i'd figure out what was keeping me up and away from the bed, and that if i figured it out i'd then find myself lying next to you ... fast asleep.
my wide-eyed state and restlessness this evening could be credited to the absence of nyquil. it knocked me out last night and now perhaps my body feels like it cannot on its own find rest without aid.
i must say though, that the bright white of this screen in the darkness all around me is forcibly playing with my eyelids - and as the open-shut motions are convincing me of sleep, i'm reminded of this:
the sleepy-eyed feelings i used to fight just to stay up as long as i could to chat with you online ... the sleepier i got, the more i relied on the IM "brrings" to call me back to attention when you'd enter a message.
it was fun revisiting those days tonight, just as it was fun getting the chance to play with you some nights back after you did some push ups - i was rather punchy that night, wasn't i?
goodnight - i think i'm ready for bed.
i love you.
-A
i'm out on the couch wondering if you on the other hand have found yourself in dreams whilst lying on our bed.
i have no emotions keeping me from falling sound asleep; not anger nor frustrations, no sadness, no fears, no joys. i'm a bit withdrawn i'd say, with incomplete thoughts to back it up.
i thought it might help if i dabbled with words, sort of like counting sheep - it was just a thought. i thought that if i dabbled with words, i'd figure out what was keeping me up and away from the bed, and that if i figured it out i'd then find myself lying next to you ... fast asleep.
my wide-eyed state and restlessness this evening could be credited to the absence of nyquil. it knocked me out last night and now perhaps my body feels like it cannot on its own find rest without aid.
i must say though, that the bright white of this screen in the darkness all around me is forcibly playing with my eyelids - and as the open-shut motions are convincing me of sleep, i'm reminded of this:
the sleepy-eyed feelings i used to fight just to stay up as long as i could to chat with you online ... the sleepier i got, the more i relied on the IM "brrings" to call me back to attention when you'd enter a message.
it was fun revisiting those days tonight, just as it was fun getting the chance to play with you some nights back after you did some push ups - i was rather punchy that night, wasn't i?
goodnight - i think i'm ready for bed.
i love you.
-A
19 February 2008
hello luv
goodmorning.
as you may or may not have seen, i took the liberty of creating a separate space for our story-telling. i hope you'll find no problem in that.
creating ' a story, a story' has been my only contribution since my first post.
i'll begin again where you left off - the picture.
shooting for our save-the-date cards was unexpectedly funny. it was also unexpectedly intimidating ... for me at least. i didn't think i would feel as awkward as i did since jacki was the one behind the camera. i was nervous and afraid most of the time because i didn't want to come out looking 'not my best.' thankfully, we ended up with good frames to choose from ... though in the great amount of frames we had i did turn out looking quite odd.
one would think that because i have had previous experience modeling with you, that i would have been alright ... i guess you and your handsomeness still makes me nervous ... or it's just been so long since that first shoot.
that georgetown photo shoot was, in fact, quite fun. it wasn't easy getting my leg up there while trying to keep my back flush against the wall. my legs are definitely not long enough.
seeing that photograph again instantly made me smile as memories of that day came flooding back to me. i can't help but feel that we owe d.c. another full visit - an opportune time for a wonderful date - how about it?
(it also reminds me that we owe our zeb friends a visit in hotlanta)
the most recent full day experience i shared with you was our charlottesville trip. it wasn't meant to be a fun day, rather a day of mission, but i ended that day on a very glad note thanks to you.
i do have a confession: on the way down i was quite worried that i might get sad at memories from the days i spent on those grounds, or that perhaps the memories and all things familiar might dampen our day
i was wrong. i'd be lying of course if i said i wasn't at all reminded of my multiple visits past, but there was no sadness nor was there any dampening (even the weather didn't do it).
that whole day was, instead, composed of all things enigmatic - i think that's a fitting word. all things i didn't know, that at the same time brought me happiness and excitement. let me explain.
the thoughts that entered my head were primarily those that wondered about YOUR days at UVA and the feelings that accompanied the recollections whilst you were there; passing memgym, being in newcomb (the cinematique?), mentioning klockner, ruby tuesdays, la maison, even mellow mushroom.
those brought unexplicable smiles to my face - i wanted to know more. like which paths you took from lambeth to your classes - and could i walk those ways with you? which table did you sit at for meals, what did you eat- and could i share that with you? i wanted to browse the aisles of film at clemons, or grab a book and read with you.
other thoughts that lingered, which drowned out my years past, were the questions that asked how my time coming would be spent there ... and if my time would in fact be coming for uva.
it was a wonderful day for me, christophe. in some way, i feel like i was able to share in a part of your past; and not to say that day was like a missing piece, but i also feel that attending that school (possibly) would integrate that past with now ... my now, my future, our now, our future.
it may not make sense to you, but it does to me.
so to sum all things up, i cannot wait for things to come. our final photo product, our day date, our wedding and all things thereafter.
i love you.
-A
as you may or may not have seen, i took the liberty of creating a separate space for our story-telling. i hope you'll find no problem in that.
creating ' a story, a story' has been my only contribution since my first post.
i'll begin again where you left off - the picture.
shooting for our save-the-date cards was unexpectedly funny. it was also unexpectedly intimidating ... for me at least. i didn't think i would feel as awkward as i did since jacki was the one behind the camera. i was nervous and afraid most of the time because i didn't want to come out looking 'not my best.' thankfully, we ended up with good frames to choose from ... though in the great amount of frames we had i did turn out looking quite odd.
one would think that because i have had previous experience modeling with you, that i would have been alright ... i guess you and your handsomeness still makes me nervous ... or it's just been so long since that first shoot.
that georgetown photo shoot was, in fact, quite fun. it wasn't easy getting my leg up there while trying to keep my back flush against the wall. my legs are definitely not long enough.
seeing that photograph again instantly made me smile as memories of that day came flooding back to me. i can't help but feel that we owe d.c. another full visit - an opportune time for a wonderful date - how about it?
(it also reminds me that we owe our zeb friends a visit in hotlanta)
the most recent full day experience i shared with you was our charlottesville trip. it wasn't meant to be a fun day, rather a day of mission, but i ended that day on a very glad note thanks to you.
i do have a confession: on the way down i was quite worried that i might get sad at memories from the days i spent on those grounds, or that perhaps the memories and all things familiar might dampen our day
i was wrong. i'd be lying of course if i said i wasn't at all reminded of my multiple visits past, but there was no sadness nor was there any dampening (even the weather didn't do it).
that whole day was, instead, composed of all things enigmatic - i think that's a fitting word. all things i didn't know, that at the same time brought me happiness and excitement. let me explain.
the thoughts that entered my head were primarily those that wondered about YOUR days at UVA and the feelings that accompanied the recollections whilst you were there; passing memgym, being in newcomb (the cinematique?), mentioning klockner, ruby tuesdays, la maison, even mellow mushroom.
those brought unexplicable smiles to my face - i wanted to know more. like which paths you took from lambeth to your classes - and could i walk those ways with you? which table did you sit at for meals, what did you eat- and could i share that with you? i wanted to browse the aisles of film at clemons, or grab a book and read with you.
other thoughts that lingered, which drowned out my years past, were the questions that asked how my time coming would be spent there ... and if my time would in fact be coming for uva.
it was a wonderful day for me, christophe. in some way, i feel like i was able to share in a part of your past; and not to say that day was like a missing piece, but i also feel that attending that school (possibly) would integrate that past with now ... my now, my future, our now, our future.
it may not make sense to you, but it does to me.
so to sum all things up, i cannot wait for things to come. our final photo product, our day date, our wedding and all things thereafter.
i love you.
-A
11 February 2008
A Story
I'll write a paragraph, you write a paragraph, and we'll see where our imaginations take us...
The boy sat alone in a log cabin. Outside, the woods were covered in snow, as picturesque as any postcard he had ever seen. But inside, all he had to keep him company was a pen, paper, and a warm fire. He hadn't eaten in 36 hours, but this was not something that he was conscious of. He had tried to sleep, but that didn't work either. Mostly, he had been sitting, occassionally trying to write. There was so much that had happened, so much to tell, but all the events that had led him here were still a blur. "What had started it all?" he wondered. So, while his mind was blank, and his stomach empty, he chose to just wait. "It couldn't be much longer now," he thought.
The boy sat alone in a log cabin. Outside, the woods were covered in snow, as picturesque as any postcard he had ever seen. But inside, all he had to keep him company was a pen, paper, and a warm fire. He hadn't eaten in 36 hours, but this was not something that he was conscious of. He had tried to sleep, but that didn't work either. Mostly, he had been sitting, occassionally trying to write. There was so much that had happened, so much to tell, but all the events that had led him here were still a blur. "What had started it all?" he wondered. So, while his mind was blank, and his stomach empty, he chose to just wait. "It couldn't be much longer now," he thought.
04 February 2008
01 February 2008
There You Are...
Its like finding a lost friend. We have been as close as two people can be, and yet at the same time far away. Everything has been do, do, do, busy, busy, busy. Lost in that shuffle was what brought us together in the first place, the comfort of having a friend with whom we can truly share every thought that crosses our souls, be it our dreams, our fears, our worries, or our loves.
Sometimes I think people just need that spark. For us, it is so often the setting that leads to that comfort and openness. Whether it is the porch, a blue couch or a shady tree (real or figuarative), I live for those moments of sharing our inner selves.
When I saw your email this morning, it looked great. You have this unique ability to look at life through the eyes of a child. It is one of your greatest assests when it comes to teaching. I have no doubt the party will be a success, and yes, I saw more than just hints of a lesson plan and of teaching in the outline you gave.
One of the things I miss most in our relationship is getting to encourage you in your dreams. I always see that potential in you, and when I see that spark in you that is one of your great ideas, I'd like to think that oftentimes I help to see that idea come to fruition. Recently however, we have found our selves in a bit of a routine, perhaps a rut even. I hope that this writing will be a reminder to us of what it is that we love about each other and what it is that we can achieve together.
I hope that your new job will be another opportunity for you to improve yourself and take on new challenges. I know it has been some time since you have taken on a new job, but I think this will be good for you. I know that the truly big challenges lie ahead, and look forward to them for you, whatever you decide them to be. Whether it be college, the next step in our family, or an entirely new path for you, I look forward to be your support in the endeavors you take on. For it is in these exciting things that you take on, that my eyes are opened up to new and beautiful sights and experiences.
Having gone on and on with all this talk of new experiences, I cannot forget about the most important thing to me right now, that its nice to be back in a familiar place, under our shady tree.
Sometimes I think people just need that spark. For us, it is so often the setting that leads to that comfort and openness. Whether it is the porch, a blue couch or a shady tree (real or figuarative), I live for those moments of sharing our inner selves.
When I saw your email this morning, it looked great. You have this unique ability to look at life through the eyes of a child. It is one of your greatest assests when it comes to teaching. I have no doubt the party will be a success, and yes, I saw more than just hints of a lesson plan and of teaching in the outline you gave.
One of the things I miss most in our relationship is getting to encourage you in your dreams. I always see that potential in you, and when I see that spark in you that is one of your great ideas, I'd like to think that oftentimes I help to see that idea come to fruition. Recently however, we have found our selves in a bit of a routine, perhaps a rut even. I hope that this writing will be a reminder to us of what it is that we love about each other and what it is that we can achieve together.
I hope that your new job will be another opportunity for you to improve yourself and take on new challenges. I know it has been some time since you have taken on a new job, but I think this will be good for you. I know that the truly big challenges lie ahead, and look forward to them for you, whatever you decide them to be. Whether it be college, the next step in our family, or an entirely new path for you, I look forward to be your support in the endeavors you take on. For it is in these exciting things that you take on, that my eyes are opened up to new and beautiful sights and experiences.
Having gone on and on with all this talk of new experiences, I cannot forget about the most important thing to me right now, that its nice to be back in a familiar place, under our shady tree.
Here I am.
hello there.
it's me.
i'm party planning and really liking it. i'm getting excited about it, perhaps 'cause it much resembles lesson-planning.
i see myself as the teacher for this event, with students eagerly anticipating the things i have to say to them, the things they'll get to do, the things they'll get to learn.
i see my potential, and it makes me nervous. i'm afraid things won't work out the way i'd like them to. it is my dream to manage a classroom, make friends with children and keep those relationships, to watch them learn, and ultimately watch them grow.
as i get excited with the thoughts of opening doors, possibilities of a dream come true, i am consumed with the fear of rejection. failure.
eddie vedder's "guaranteed" is playing overhead now - the guitar picking is inspiring, his voice is soothing, and the words are calling out to me like a personal prayer of my own.
it sums up the judgment or speculation that i have been feeling for years as i did not follow through with school as society sees it fit, normal. it's the nerves i feel, still, in applying to the university. that if only everyone knew me, i would be okay with who i am and how i've gotten to this point in my life.
the song is a collection of my thoughts past. many a time i wanted to be left alone, to figure myself out, find the some things that would help me feel free. and by free i mean without the eyes of others whom i felt, in hindsight, kept me bound to my insecurities.
i know now that i've got something special. can i say that? i want to believe i do, just like i believe everyone does.
i feel most free when i'm with children, and my dream is with them.
so, if i can't give the love i have for them and share this special thing i think i have, i fear i might forever feel trapped within walls.
i'm scared.
- A
it's me.
i'm party planning and really liking it. i'm getting excited about it, perhaps 'cause it much resembles lesson-planning.
i see myself as the teacher for this event, with students eagerly anticipating the things i have to say to them, the things they'll get to do, the things they'll get to learn.
i see my potential, and it makes me nervous. i'm afraid things won't work out the way i'd like them to. it is my dream to manage a classroom, make friends with children and keep those relationships, to watch them learn, and ultimately watch them grow.
as i get excited with the thoughts of opening doors, possibilities of a dream come true, i am consumed with the fear of rejection. failure.
eddie vedder's "guaranteed" is playing overhead now - the guitar picking is inspiring, his voice is soothing, and the words are calling out to me like a personal prayer of my own.
it sums up the judgment or speculation that i have been feeling for years as i did not follow through with school as society sees it fit, normal. it's the nerves i feel, still, in applying to the university. that if only everyone knew me, i would be okay with who i am and how i've gotten to this point in my life.
the song is a collection of my thoughts past. many a time i wanted to be left alone, to figure myself out, find the some things that would help me feel free. and by free i mean without the eyes of others whom i felt, in hindsight, kept me bound to my insecurities.
i know now that i've got something special. can i say that? i want to believe i do, just like i believe everyone does.
i feel most free when i'm with children, and my dream is with them.
so, if i can't give the love i have for them and share this special thing i think i have, i fear i might forever feel trapped within walls.
i'm scared.
- A
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)