le re-mix

Je t'aime quand tu es heureuse et je t'aime quand tu es en colère
Pour te rendre sourire je traverser toute la terre

Si tu as besoin d'une accolade ou si tu as besoin d'une bise
La seule personne dont tu as besoin, c'est ton mari, c'est Chris

Je t'aime comme la lune et je t'aime comme une astre
Si nous sommes ensembles, nous resoudrons touts les désastres

Greetings!

Hello to you.

How are things Chez Warner? I am looking out the window during my lunch break and wishing I was on the other side of this glass pane. Driving down to Richmond this morning, I couldn't help but wish that you were in the passenger seat, and we were instead heading further south, as it seemed like a perfect day for a drive to the beach. Perhaps you are sitting by the pool this afternoon wishing that the water before you was really a vast ocean, and that we were laying on a towel, reading side by side.

Its hard not getting to enjoy a care free summer of being outside, and freedom to take quick trips at the drop of a hat. However, we did have a nice day in Wilmington and at Wrightsville Beach, and we have impending trips to New York and Deep Creek. Throw in Artomatic, and some other adventures that I'm sure are to come, and it will end up being another fun summer for the two of us.

The great thing about this summer though is that there is actually something to look forward to at the end of the summer. Instead of dreading a return to work or to school, plus the fading of my tan, the end of this summer will bring on a huge celebration. It is exciting to actually start putting names in of people who will be at our Wedding. For me, that will be the best part, and I also get excited just seeing that you are happy to see who is coming as well.

I hope we can enjoy those aspects, and all the fun things that go with our wedding, and try not to stress too much as the financial repercussions and decisions to be made become overwhelming. Not only do we have Sept. 13 to look forward to, but you have a bridal shower, and bachelorette party, so the next few months should really be a great time in our lives to enjoy the love we have, and this great Fête that will involve our friends and family.

We've made it one year so far, and that is what makes this wedding a little different. We are celebrating not only our future together, but the life we have already started. The joys of having someone to come home to, to read with, to play with, to fall asleep beside. You are the only one I want to share everything with, and thats just what we've done, shared our hearts and lives with each other. This dream became a reality a year ago when you agreed to marry me. Since then we have had our ups and downs for sure, but the future has never looked so promising. As I told you once, 1 down, 80 to go.

Muah!

hello and how are you?

hi there.


i'm sitting here wondering how your work day is so far. mine has not been so bad - i don't have very much room to complain when i get to go out in the backyard to sit by the pool with a book in hand, do i?

the toughest it gets is when the kids start bickering - and that's exactly what they did. andrew is over, too. it wasn't terrible, but today just seemed one of those moments where three is a crowd and finding a game to play in the pool together was a challenge. today.

it's really strange that choosing who gets to be a trainer vs a dolphin can become so problematic, and causing hurt feelings.

in any case, water play ended.

ev's in his room. gabby in hers. both reading. and andrew - well, he's roaming around. oh, and me - here, writing to you.

everyone's just cooling off now - literally and figuratively. ( you love those double entendres)

it was fun for a while though with all of us outside (wish you were there of course). gabby just loves jumping off the ledge and into my arms now! she loves it even more when she gets such a big splash out of it that it gets into my eyes.

what i love most about her doing this is the trust. it is incredibly fascinating and unbelievably rewarding to have a child's trust. i know she knows that i am here to make sure "nothing happens to [her]" i just love that.

(i also got the smiliest goodmorning from evan this morning - i was in the kitchen alone and he had come in and gave me the best greeting, which carried on into conversation and then to the dining room for some writing)

we had lunch outside too! turkey sandwiches, booty, grapes (though evan had a yogurt for his fruit) and juice boxes. oooooo and i made brownies, too - SPECIAL ones, where i just used pureed black beans folded into a box of brownie mix. let me tell ya, they're eatin' it up.

anyway, i can't wait to see you later. i hope at the very least, you've found something to smile about today too!

love you.

- A

Refreshing!

Aaaaah.

How great was it to be able to have some down time today?! SUPER.



Although we only had a couple of hours, it sure was wonderful to have had the time to read together for a bit. I've been finding my chick-lit pick NEARLYWEDS quite entertaining (though very glad we don't have those couples' problems).

I wish I could have stuck around longer with you to have finished the last two chapters we have left in the book.

It was great being at Hay's, but I missed you tonight. Talking about the wedding without you there is really quite strange at times. It's tons of fun to talk to the girls, but there were moments when I wanted to turn my head to see if you were laughing too, or hear you share your ideas and concerns.

I'm very fortunate to have a man who is as involved in this wedding as you are. It is your wedding as much as it is mine, and it is so wonderful to know that every detail, every aspect has had your input one way or another.

I just love that everything about our wedding is everything about us, and that we are doing this to share this "everything" with everyone.







PS -

You're like a gulp of ice water going down the throat on a blazing day like today.


Aaaaahh!




Love,
A

Hello

I love you and hope that you have a good day today.

-C

Good boy!

let's see.


Broccoli.


Spinach.


Cauliflower.






all gone.



Good Boy.



love you,
A

Une chanson

Je t'aime comme la lune et je t'aime comme un astre
Je suis désolé que je suis un désastre

Je t'adore dans le matin, je t'adore dans le soir
Mais la chose la plus important est que je t'adore

Je l'aime quand tu portes jaune, et je l'aime quand tu portes vert
Dans le jeu d'amour, je ne suis pas un expert

En dessous d'un arbe et en dessous du ciel
La plus belle fille du monde, c'est facile, c'est elle

Je t'aime comme la lune et je t'aime comme un astre
Je suis désolé que je suis un désastre

Is there a line to be wary of crossing when satisfying cravings?

I'm aching to be a wanderer. I'm wondering if this is just a phase. And even if it is, why couldn't I live it out for its little while? I've been feeling this for some time now ... this longing for 'something more.'

I'm almost sad to have recently found out about the reality of SURFWISE.

It's hard not to feel an excitement, an overwhelming wonder and a stint of envy at the brief introduction to the Paskowitz family.

Would it be selfish to bring our not-yet-conceived children along with us on a journey of cultural experience and true lifelong learning?

What would it be like not to settle in one place and in lieu of, be a part of so many? I'm tempted to find out.

Really.

Am I just being a dreamer?

- A

Out with the OLD and in with the NEW

Thanks C.

I was proud. Am proud.

At first it was a silly thought to 'walk' for a comm. college degree. The significance of the accomplishment didn't settle until I sat during the ceremony listening to the speech delivered by the guest speaker.

The piece of paper not only represents the hours of lectures, studies, and school work I put into it; but more importantly, the obstacles I had to tackle in order to achieve. This accomplishment was hard to come by.

So yes, I am proud.

What I look to next are short or long-term goals. I'll voice them out, perhaps you'll be able to help. I want to be able to say that:

* i ride a bicycle to market every thursday through the summer and fall just so that i can walk amongst the vendors looking, touching, smelling and choosing through their goods beneath the warmth of the sun; that i can fill my canvas bag with the day's pickin's and perhaps stick the tote into a basket on my bicycle and smile as i pedal my way back home

* every morning i greet the day with, at the very least, a sun salutation. 'hello. this is my morning stretch, i look to the day with a promise of hope.'

* i say goodmorning to you and we chat over breakfast or breathe in sync as we jog side by side

* i'm trying to make changes in my diet ... cutting back on animal products and increasing my produce consumption ... and that i love it.

* i read one book every month; and that by 'one book' i mean a grown-up chapter book as opposed the juvenile picture books i will love and cherish all my life

* i take the time to dance a little

* i am always around laughter, smiles, and happy faces; these i find ever always with children.

i want to take care of myself. and these are things i know i like. these are the things i'm sure i'll like.

so, i wanna give 'em a go.


- A

If I were to give your commencement speech...

This is your commencement. And as such, I want you to "commencer." This is the launching pad for all the things that are to come in your life. All the hard work that you have put in to receive this degree has now put you in a position to begin the rest of your life. Seems a bit ironic huh? All that studying, reading, writing, and poster-making has gotten you this: You stand at a fork in the road with many choices in front of you, but no matter what you choose, its going to be a long, difficult journey ahead of you. I could stand here and remind you that you'll always have me assisting you along the way, but I think you already know that by now, and this is not the time for that topic. Instead it is important that you reflect upon what it is that you have achieved and what opportunities all of this hard work will offer you.

You can now say that you have a college degree. You are a college graduate. How amazing and powerful are those words? And yet, what will you do from here? Will you tackle a bachelor's degree? Perhaps followed by a Master's? Or will you return to the class room and work your way towards having your own?

No matter which difficult and arduous path you choose to embark upon, you are now that much more prepared to follow it. If you have to prepare a spread sheet of grades, you know how to do that in MS Excel. When we get ourselves to Europe, your ability to understand the French will be much better. On trips into the forest, you can better appreciate all that goes into God's creations, the science behind all the everday processes that make the world turn. If you are called to speak before a large group (a class perhaps), you will have not only the confidence of possessing that degree, but all the skills you learned in public speaking. When you don't have time to fully read something, you have learned how to get by with just skimming. Your mind will be a little more open when dealing with people of different cultures, knowing some of the terrible conditions and treatment that certain races and religions have faced in our country. You can even put together a portfolio, in order to show all those principals who are going to want to hire you to have at their school.

While you will forget much of what you learned, I hope that there is one thing you take away from these years at NOVA, and that is your potential. This is a tremendous example of what you can achieve in life. I am sure there were times you thought you'd never get this degree, or that it wasn't worth it. Seeing you cross that stage, I know that it was worth every reading assignment, math problem, and poster. I want you to know that you are are someone special. Someone who has achieved something. Someone who has been recognized for that achievement. Most of all, someone who can (and will) achieve so much more.

Thank You.

It's funny ... I've never been too keen on celebrating birthdays, mine particularly ... and for no particular reason either.

I woke up sad though, thinking that I would be spending my day alone in daily routine. But in the end, all was well. I have lots to be thankful for.

... like for getting me out the door and to the spa appointment that awaited me yesterday morning. It felt grand to end my treatments with the words

"You're all set, Ma'am. Everything's been taken care of."

And, I'm sorry for spoiling your lunch-time surprise. I didn't mean to weasel it out of you with my early morning puppy tears. But, thank you for taking a half day of work so that we could have a birthday lunch and spend the afternoon together.

Later on, it was wonderful walking into Mom's house, and seeing all the cooperation that went into my birthday dinner. Mom cooked, Dad ran out to the store to pick up some things, Jacki went to pick up my PadThai request, Hay took care of little chores along with Joni and Andrew, etc ...

... and little did I know, you were off all the while with another surprise!

Thank you.

Jason did a wonderful job with my birthday cake.

Last year you brought me to tears with a GRAND surprise party with a surprise Pooh ice cream cake (2 things i love in ONE treat!). This year, a smaller gathering which proved to be more intimate and a Pooh cake AGAIN, though more touching.

Seeing the image of Poohsticks bridge warmed me throughout. Bridges, playing poohsticks, taking walks, chatting on the porch, sitting beneath trees and all other things that have come to encompass our love and relationship filled my thoughts at the sight of the cake. I could not help but be overwhelmed with emotion. It was wonderful to have been able to share that with our family (and literally when I passed out slices, too).

This is the second consecutive year that you've tackled a wonderful surprise and I have now embraced this:

that birthdays are honored to show love towards the celebrant, and to celebrate with loved ones is reason enough to say "it's a wonderful life and i'm eternally grateful."

love always,
A

Happy Birthday

I love you!!!

Enjoy today, smile, laugh, give lots of hugs. I can't wait to see you. Muah!!!

ta dah!

and here it is


see it?


anyway, this was a long time ago.

so i decided to search through OLD entries in what i thought is now a non-existent blog.


so old.


anyway, i went there to look for a photo of mama lola. i know i posted one of all of us a long time ago. i'm still searching.

however, i found this post.

goes to show how much i know about the game. i'm sure you'll pick up on my error(s?)


(NOTE: you may not want to read through the older posts unless you're feeling confident in the love i have for you and our relationship now)


Love You!

Things Are Not So Bad Afterall

Monday was a toughie.


Getting up fairly early is easier for me when there's something to look forward to - and working is not reason enough sometimes. It was much harder because I had not recuperated from the long weekend with the Caron girls, and even harder knowing it would not just be Jacob I'd be spending the morning with; but his sister Sara as well.

My first time with Sara was when she stayed home from school, recovering from a fever. It was an okay time, but she drove me crazy with all the words that would spew out from her little self and that she followed me around everywhere. Needless to say, I wasn't looking forward to a peppy day of Sara.

The first thing Sara said to me on Monday morning, after "hello," was "Can we do SpinArt?"

(oy! I wanted to say "For Pete's sake child! I just walked in.")

"Sure Sara, but may I please have a couple of minutes to get situated first? I just got here."

She gave me time, which I was very thankful for, but her usual jabber wore me out.

"Angeline, can you please tell me about 101 Dalmatians while you set up SpinArt?"

"Angeline, can you please tell me more about that girl Jane you were talking about before (she was referring to the movie Tarzan) while we do Spin Art?"

all of my responses to her questions were often interrupted with more questions, of course.

I had to change Jacob's diaper later in the morning so I asked him to come along with me upstairs. Hoping for a breather from Sara, I mentioned that she could wait for me downstairs and that I would be right back. Much to my dismay, she said she'd come up so I could tell her about my family while I changed Jacob and that after he's all clean we could go to her room and set up a family of PollyPocket people.

(oy!)

I gave her the run-down on my brothers and sisters, we also played PollyPocket.

And while we played, I learned something about Sara. She's sincerely inquisitive, sincerely curious, and serious about the answers she receives.

She informed me that her grandfather died some time ago, and asked if I'd had anybody in my family die.

"Yes, my grandmother."

And that's when I began to truly appreciate Sara's curiosity and love of conversation.

"Well, what did she look like? Maybe you can tell me about her," Sara said.

I began to tell her about how poised she always was, had short curly hair and how I don't ever remember her wearing pants ... she was always in a dress. I was suprised to find myself warmed with thoughts of her, and as I continued to tell Sara everything I could remember I caught myself getting choked up.

I regrouped as I concentrated on the answer to this question she asked next:

"But when did she die?"

And felt sad once again when she asked if I "always [saw] her before?"

I did ... until we moved here.

I let Sara know that. And although I didn't let Sara know about how much I loved my Mama Lola, and that I'm not so sure I even let Mama Lola in on that love, I felt it in my heart through that conversation and I'm certain Lola did too.

It's strange ... I arrived at the Mesko's bitter and anxious at the morning I'd have to spend with Sara, but I left feeling thankful for the morning that Sara gave me.

(sigh)

-A

Today, and really everyday since we've been friends...

I was :-(.

Then along came you.
And we played.

And I was all :-).

Thank you.

The weekend flew by way too quickly.


But thank you for snuggling. Any woman who has a husband that shares the same characteristics as you should consider herself lucky.

I do.






-A

You've got me curious...

So where is this new tree? Should I know it? It looks like a great one, and overlooking a city nonetheless. I cannot wait for out next adventure together. We've been to many an urban jungle before, but I am sure the real ones are going to be much more exciting. And while the beaches of Clearwater Fl. were nice, the ones in Cebu are going to be amazing. If you thought the atmosphere at Saturday night's Capitals game was electric, wait until you see the Brazilians samba-ing in the streets of South Africa. My oh my, I could sit here all day and dream about adventures to come. The great thing though, is that even if our adventures were to remain of the continental U.S. variety, I know they'd still be amazing, because we'd be embarking upon them together, which is of course the best part.

SOMEDAY

to the left, there, is where we'll be sitting ... someday.

it's amazing how lost i can get in a grocery store.

on the way home last night i was brainstorming dinner plans, trying to figure out what we had available in our kitchen. regardless of what i came up with, i was always down by one missing ingredient. by the time i got to the cross-section of old ox and herndon pkwy i had decided that a trip to the store was a must if we were to have dinner at home.

it's great to have BLOOM so close to our place! i didn't feel like driving out to WEGMAN'S for a one-item shop ... that would have been silly, and you probably would not have seen me all night.

i went into BLOOM for eggs - just for dredging the cutlets. i really only needed ONE egg; but that's okay. i didn't want to stop at 7 ELEVEN for a dozen of inhumane eggs. puhleez.

the doors to the store slid open and i quick stepped my way down our normal BLOOM-shopping path. i made it past the deli alright, but all the greens and humming of the refrigerator coolers called out to me and my quick stepping turned to a slow stroll. BERRIES and BERRIES and GREENS, OH MY!

"be quick - gotta be home before chris" i told myself.

so i made it through the meats and poultry all the way to dairy without slipping into any of the intersecting aisles of junk. YES! my uncaged free roaming hen eggs. off to the register.

not quite. i spied frozen entrees. for you my love. i thought perhaps sometimes you might want to take a break from your coveted PB&J - from either the sandwich itself, or having to prepare it in the evening (since i'm no good at doing you that favor).

anyway after perusing a bajillion trillion options and coming out with only 3 little boxes, i FINALLY made my way to the register ... though technically this whole time i had in fact been making my way there. just seeing all the sites first.

and that's why before getting there, the birthday cards caught my eye and a big " (GASP!) it's connor's bday on friday." so there i sat for and x amount of minutes browsing through cards trying to find "the right one" in a small pond of greetings - BLOOM is no hallmark. one had me laughing so hard though!

it was one where on the front, a dog sees a deflated balloon, dog eats deflated balloon, dog looks sick. open card. it's a full spread picture of the dog with a funny expression on his face, and as the card is opened the balloon comes out of his rear!!!!! ha ha ha.

anyway, that's where i ended my grocery journey - where my intended 2 minute trip became 40 and buying a dozen eggs cost $46.

what can i say? i got lost.


hope you enjoyed dinner last night! love you.



PS -

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

i'm all alone under here!



-A

i sensed

it's only mid-day and so far it's been a good one.

i've smelled the air as i breathed in the day whilst walking about the neighborhood.

i've seen a bluejay twittering in the tree, and a raven perched atop the height of a barren trunk.

i've tasted the cool and clarity of the water from my bottle as i refreshed myself.

i've heard the knocking of the woodpecker upon the bark.

i've also touched some pinecones.


hooray for a good day. i wish it upon you, too.




-A

perhaps another time

although we didn't get around to playing anything this weekend, the walk we ended up taking was quite nice. it was such a beautiful day for a stroll, and it sure was lovely strolling with you, and more so that we were unfamiliar with the path. it felt like a pleasant, low-key adventure! having the three jesguerras was good company, too!

i've always been quite fascinated by the light that seeps through the thick of trees. despite their barren form from the cold of fall and winter, it seems their branches posed enough of a challenge for that day's burst of sunshine to illuminate their floor completely. still, there was just enough light and enough warmth to tease us with the coming of spring; new blooms, new life, and many more excursions for us.




i cannot wait.


ps - a swing on a vine is something EVERYONE should try!



-A

We need to play...

Bowling?
Mini Golf?
Rock Climbing?
Tennis?
See-Saw?
Uno?
Soccer?
Racquetball?
Poohsticks?

This weekend. Its your choice.

thank you for sitting

wow.


the other night ... i LOVED it. why?

* the newspaper

reading the paper together is something i'm finally glad to have done with you. i'm sure it's happened before, maybe, but i'll not forget this most recent time. i'm looking forward to joining you for breakfasts, especially since we both like breakfast ... it would just be a wonderful thing to start our day together.

in case you haven't noticed, i'm trying to shake off my lazy bones.

* reminiscing

it's always fun (ok, sometimes always) to share stories of our younger days - time when we didn't yet know each other. i like the mysticism of thinking that we've always known each other in a sort of supernatural world that gapped that distance between us for the first twentyish years of our lives ... that's really not actually possible though; so i guess the beauty of my impossible thought is that because we didn't really know each other always, it gives us something to talk about when we're together, which eventually contributes in our sharing a life and growing together.

* you

i love your company. even though you might at times feel that i'd rather be on this dang computer, you are so totally wrong.

* our ideas

i am so very excited about going abroad to make ourselves useful. i really want to make it happen, at least once. i'm hoping that from that one experience will come more. i think that ambassadors for children is a great option because it seems to offer the best compromise of honeymoon-esque free days while fulfilling our objective to go out and be helpful. when can we do this? and hey, i just had a thought: maybe doing this stuff will be my globe-trekking dream and MAYBE, maybe this is how we're gonna have our children born in different parts of the world. ew, i don't know that i want to bring them out into the world of troubled villages and such.


so, how great was it the other night to sit at the table and pass time? wow.





love you, and thank you for sitting.



-A

in a nutshell ...

* jacob and i went out for a walk this morning. from inside the house the weather was very inviting, so off we went. it was in fact a beautiful morning ... blustery, but beautiful. the wind was my enemy. brrrr! it was chilly, especially went the sun found itself behind some clouds. i wanted to stay out of the house for as long as i could - strolling is an easy form of entertainment - but i didn't even make it to an hour! i can't believe how out of shape i am. i wasn't running nor jogging, just walking (and pushing). i was so out of breath that i began to feel dizzy and faint - i couldn't keep my stride and had to take a rest. this experience has GOT to be a push for me to get up and move!

PS - i wished you were there to walk with. it's been a while since we've strolled.

* gabby and i took our french to the tropics! she and i lunched at the tropical smoothie cafe, sipping on our blended drinks and brushing up on our french. today's lesson: "je voudrais (un biscuit)," "merci (beaucoup)," "s'il vous plait" and we revisited "oh la voche!" and "d'accord"

PS - i missed you while we were there.

* evan had OT today. when miss bea took him in to her office, i looked at gabby who had a book in hand and said

"how about going for a drive?"

"to where?" she replied

"hmmm, i could really go for some coffee."

"(gasp) yeah, and i could go for a cookie!"

she was out of luck - i reminded her that she already had 'un biscuit' at the cafe.

we got our drinks and went back to OT. as i was looking through my day-planner, gabby sat next to me with a book. minutes had gone by of her flipping pages when i heard this:

"b-b-b-buh, aaaaaa, mmmmmm. buh-ah-mm. bam."

i whipped my head around to face her, looked at what she was looking at and saw "BAM!" on the page to which she was pointing.

i was gleaming and of course applauded her. she's officially read her first word, to my knowledge and witnessing.

of course, i stopped what i was doing and played a game with her. i wrote letters, she read, and then we defined. she got through twelve, three-letter words! AMAZING! i have yet to tell chris and suzie.

PS - that's why i called you (not knowing you were on the phone with ignacio) to share in this joy 'cause i wished you were there!

* i went to bloom to pick up a couple things for dinner. at checkout, i saw the lady in front of me writing, signing. i thought to myself "huh, see i'm not the only one who still uses checks." then i saw her hand it to the cashier and i took notice of the logo on this check ... it's WIC. all of a sudden, i no longer saw a stranger in front of me ... i saw my mother. i almost cried having been taken back to the days when my mother struggled and had to resort to government aide. it's a wonderful resource, i'm glad it's there, but it's saddening to know that there are so many people out there who need help. i left the store feeling humbled, lucky - thankful.

i love you.


-A

Hakuna Matata

Good morning to you (or afternoon, or evening),
It isn't often that I find you completely relaxed, but it seems like in recent times you have been even more full of stresses than ever. It is certainly quite understandable, given all that we are tackling at this moment, but I still want you to find all the positive and wonderful excitement that comes with the possibility everything in front of us presents, and not the worry of what might come with those things. I can't imagine taking all these things on while battling sickness for so long also, so I understand that it is no easy task.

Fortunately there is an answer... You are not alone! Sure, you already know this, but sometimes it needs reinforced. When you worry about the wedding, or worry about the party, or school, or whatever it might be, I encourage you to come to me. You don't even have to talk if you don't want to. I promise I can help more than anything you can find on the internet. If there is a place on the internet that listens, I surely haven't found it. And I can't imagine its all too fun to snuggle up and hug that laptop of yours.

Since you have been playing the reminiscing game recently, let us not forget how far we have come in a year. Last February, I was battling stomach ulcers, you were toiling away in French and Bio, and we both had to stay up past midnight just to get some snuggle time on one of our parent's couches. Since then, we have gotten engaged, gotten married (just once so far), I have found a new job, you have completed your associate's degree, we both got raises, we have our own place that not only allows us lots of together time, but is a wonderful home. So needless to say, I'm not too worried about making another wedding happen, finding the right school for you, continuing to do well at our current jobs, and finding a new home when the time comes. I'm glad that we have all these exciting adventures in front of us, and I'm sure you are as well.

Chiming in on what you have already hinted at, what makes it all so exciting for me and not overwhelming, is that we do get to tackle all of these things together. When we visited Charlottesville, it was us together, and very much on the same page. When I'm doing things like coaching, I am at my best with you there. There is no doubt in my mind that we bring out the best in each other.

So, as you plan your party, keep in mind that you have help. Lots of it. Not just an extra set of hands, but your support in every way. If everything goes catastrophically wrong, isn't it nice to know you have arms to run into and hold you? Not that that will happen of course. The truth of the matter is, that wherever we go together (literally or figuratively) the comfort that you feel beneath the shady tree is always there. Just as the shade blocks us from the sun, when we have each other, we have a comfortable and safe setting.

Keep the thoughts coming, I love getting a peak into your head. In the meantime, mine isn't too full these days, but there is one thing running through it. I want to do more to help others. The more I think back upon the last year, and all that we have that we didn't have before, I realize how many people there are out there who are missing all these things that we are so fortunate to have, a home, food, someone to love, etc. I think if we push each other then we can really make a difference. One random act of kindness at a time right?

(sigh)

i cannot sleep.

i'm out on the couch wondering if you on the other hand have found yourself in dreams whilst lying on our bed.

i have no emotions keeping me from falling sound asleep; not anger nor frustrations, no sadness, no fears, no joys. i'm a bit withdrawn i'd say, with incomplete thoughts to back it up.

i thought it might help if i dabbled with words, sort of like counting sheep - it was just a thought. i thought that if i dabbled with words, i'd figure out what was keeping me up and away from the bed, and that if i figured it out i'd then find myself lying next to you ... fast asleep.

my wide-eyed state and restlessness this evening could be credited to the absence of nyquil. it knocked me out last night and now perhaps my body feels like it cannot on its own find rest without aid.

i must say though, that the bright white of this screen in the darkness all around me is forcibly playing with my eyelids - and as the open-shut motions are convincing me of sleep, i'm reminded of this:

the sleepy-eyed feelings i used to fight just to stay up as long as i could to chat with you online ... the sleepier i got, the more i relied on the IM "brrings" to call me back to attention when you'd enter a message.

it was fun revisiting those days tonight, just as it was fun getting the chance to play with you some nights back after you did some push ups - i was rather punchy that night, wasn't i?

goodnight - i think i'm ready for bed.

i love you.


-A

hello luv

goodmorning.

as you may or may not have seen, i took the liberty of creating a separate space for our story-telling. i hope you'll find no problem in that.

creating ' a story, a story' has been my only contribution since my first post.

i'll begin again where you left off - the picture.

shooting for our save-the-date cards was unexpectedly funny. it was also unexpectedly intimidating ... for me at least. i didn't think i would feel as awkward as i did since jacki was the one behind the camera. i was nervous and afraid most of the time because i didn't want to come out looking 'not my best.' thankfully, we ended up with good frames to choose from ... though in the great amount of frames we had i did turn out looking quite odd.

one would think that because i have had previous experience modeling with you, that i would have been alright ... i guess you and your handsomeness still makes me nervous ... or it's just been so long since that first shoot.

that georgetown photo shoot was, in fact, quite fun. it wasn't easy getting my leg up there while trying to keep my back flush against the wall. my legs are definitely not long enough.

seeing that photograph again instantly made me smile as memories of that day came flooding back to me. i can't help but feel that we owe d.c. another full visit - an opportune time for a wonderful date - how about it?

(it also reminds me that we owe our zeb friends a visit in hotlanta)

the most recent full day experience i shared with you was our charlottesville trip. it wasn't meant to be a fun day, rather a day of mission, but i ended that day on a very glad note thanks to you.

i do have a confession: on the way down i was quite worried that i might get sad at memories from the days i spent on those grounds, or that perhaps the memories and all things familiar might dampen our day

i was wrong. i'd be lying of course if i said i wasn't at all reminded of my multiple visits past, but there was no sadness nor was there any dampening (even the weather didn't do it).

that whole day was, instead, composed of all things enigmatic - i think that's a fitting word. all things i didn't know, that at the same time brought me happiness and excitement. let me explain.

the thoughts that entered my head were primarily those that wondered about YOUR days at UVA and the feelings that accompanied the recollections whilst you were there; passing memgym, being in newcomb (the cinematique?), mentioning klockner, ruby tuesdays, la maison, even mellow mushroom.

those brought unexplicable smiles to my face - i wanted to know more. like which paths you took from lambeth to your classes - and could i walk those ways with you? which table did you sit at for meals, what did you eat- and could i share that with you? i wanted to browse the aisles of film at clemons, or grab a book and read with you.

other thoughts that lingered, which drowned out my years past, were the questions that asked how my time coming would be spent there ... and if my time would in fact be coming for uva.

it was a wonderful day for me, christophe. in some way, i feel like i was able to share in a part of your past; and not to say that day was like a missing piece, but i also feel that attending that school (possibly) would integrate that past with now ... my now, my future, our now, our future.

it may not make sense to you, but it does to me.

so to sum all things up, i cannot wait for things to come. our final photo product, our day date, our wedding and all things thereafter.

i love you.


-A

A Story

I'll write a paragraph, you write a paragraph, and we'll see where our imaginations take us...

The boy sat alone in a log cabin. Outside, the woods were covered in snow, as picturesque as any postcard he had ever seen. But inside, all he had to keep him company was a pen, paper, and a warm fire. He hadn't eaten in 36 hours, but this was not something that he was conscious of. He had tried to sleep, but that didn't work either. Mostly, he had been sitting, occassionally trying to write. There was so much that had happened, so much to tell, but all the events that had led him here were still a blur. "What had started it all?" he wondered. So, while his mind was blank, and his stomach empty, he chose to just wait. "It couldn't be much longer now," he thought.

It was good working with you again

I look forward to our next photo shoot. Thought you might like a reminder of our first.

There You Are...

Its like finding a lost friend. We have been as close as two people can be, and yet at the same time far away. Everything has been do, do, do, busy, busy, busy. Lost in that shuffle was what brought us together in the first place, the comfort of having a friend with whom we can truly share every thought that crosses our souls, be it our dreams, our fears, our worries, or our loves.

Sometimes I think people just need that spark. For us, it is so often the setting that leads to that comfort and openness. Whether it is the porch, a blue couch or a shady tree (real or figuarative), I live for those moments of sharing our inner selves.

When I saw your email this morning, it looked great. You have this unique ability to look at life through the eyes of a child. It is one of your greatest assests when it comes to teaching. I have no doubt the party will be a success, and yes, I saw more than just hints of a lesson plan and of teaching in the outline you gave.

One of the things I miss most in our relationship is getting to encourage you in your dreams. I always see that potential in you, and when I see that spark in you that is one of your great ideas, I'd like to think that oftentimes I help to see that idea come to fruition. Recently however, we have found our selves in a bit of a routine, perhaps a rut even. I hope that this writing will be a reminder to us of what it is that we love about each other and what it is that we can achieve together.

I hope that your new job will be another opportunity for you to improve yourself and take on new challenges. I know it has been some time since you have taken on a new job, but I think this will be good for you. I know that the truly big challenges lie ahead, and look forward to them for you, whatever you decide them to be. Whether it be college, the next step in our family, or an entirely new path for you, I look forward to be your support in the endeavors you take on. For it is in these exciting things that you take on, that my eyes are opened up to new and beautiful sights and experiences.

Having gone on and on with all this talk of new experiences, I cannot forget about the most important thing to me right now, that its nice to be back in a familiar place, under our shady tree.

Here I am.

hello there.

it's me.

i'm party planning and really liking it. i'm getting excited about it, perhaps 'cause it much resembles lesson-planning.

i see myself as the teacher for this event, with students eagerly anticipating the things i have to say to them, the things they'll get to do, the things they'll get to learn.

i see my potential, and it makes me nervous. i'm afraid things won't work out the way i'd like them to. it is my dream to manage a classroom, make friends with children and keep those relationships, to watch them learn, and ultimately watch them grow.

as i get excited with the thoughts of opening doors, possibilities of a dream come true, i am consumed with the fear of rejection. failure.

eddie vedder's "guaranteed" is playing overhead now - the guitar picking is inspiring, his voice is soothing, and the words are calling out to me like a personal prayer of my own.

it sums up the judgment or speculation that i have been feeling for years as i did not follow through with school as society sees it fit, normal. it's the nerves i feel, still, in applying to the university. that if only everyone knew me, i would be okay with who i am and how i've gotten to this point in my life.

the song is a collection of my thoughts past. many a time i wanted to be left alone, to figure myself out, find the some things that would help me feel free. and by free i mean without the eyes of others whom i felt, in hindsight, kept me bound to my insecurities.

i know now that i've got something special. can i say that? i want to believe i do, just like i believe everyone does.

i feel most free when i'm with children, and my dream is with them.

so, if i can't give the love i have for them and share this special thing i think i have, i fear i might forever feel trapped within walls.

i'm scared.


- A